Have you written poetry and plan to write a song for it? Want feedback? Post here! Here is mine, comments and criticism welcome:


He bled malice

there is a Hell, for it is contained within me.
within I dwell among the shadows
along with others, slaves of their own.
destined to denounce, we begin to chant.
hollowed, we succumb to cold chains.
perilous are these wicked deeds
and we soon regret their existence.
we are the doomed, he bled the malice we construct.
dissented are more worthy
those constrained for eternity.
we whip and scowl and sink further.
our double edged sword cuts their necks and slits our wrists
but we have not yet learned to feel our own suffering.
I fall into a maelstrom of misunderstanding
and am suffocated by my own ignorance.
into dust, I swallow madness with disgust, and perish.

-Wyrm, Copyright 2005

That is very very impressive Wyrm. Like it!!

If I was to criticise it in anyway, I'd say the double-edged sword needs to be explained a bit more... By mentioning it as a 'double-edged' sword, as opposed to just a sword makes me want to hear what the flip-side effect it has is.

Maybe you're referring to an actual double edge sword, not the metaphor? The metaphor means something that has a positive and negative effect.

Apart from that, I was very impressed 8)

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Darian... aka "Death" :roll: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Thanks

@ everyone else: I'm open to more constructive criticism! & post yours if you have any you would like to share.